New Years 101…The Do’s and Dont’s

2006 was a spectacular year but as with all good times, they can’t last forever. With one year’s end, comes the beginning of an even more fulfilling year. The expectations of the new year are often determined by how entertaining new year’s eve is. In this case… it was quite entertaining. 2007 will be a good year. With each new experience we learn valuable lessons, new years eve was no exception. In retrospect, we’ve compiled a list of do’s and dont’s for new years partygoers everywhere.

The night began like any other, with several locations awaiting guests for wild inebriation. My buddy BigH and I always attempt to weigh the various options for the night before sacrificing our sobriety to any given party. As we approached our first location we were urged to park our vehicle in the backyard…sketchy? Something didn’t feel right as we noticed that despite being the only ones parked in the yard, there were tire tracks everywhere. Our crunkometer started dropping. As we approached the basement and looked through the glass door, we suddenly stopped and just stood there for a good five minutes trying to make sense of things. In addition to the host and a few of his friends there were about double that number of kids ripping a bong on the sofa. A group of children…yes children, whom we should have been babysitting, not partying with. This was fucking weird. We came back to reality when warm air from the opened door beckoned us out of the cold. Our expectations were low, and we didn’t even know why we were here. We recieved an invite to this party from my girlfriend’s friend HoHo, who inturn was not even invited herself! Had we known this, we would’ve never placed ourselves in such an awkward situation. Dont #1, do not crash a highschool party,when you are in college…standards have lowered considerably since you’ve graduated.
We went inside…stood around for a bit. I hung out with my girl while BigH got harassed by her ugly friends. To loosen up and pass the time we thought, ” why not play a game of beirut” to our shock and dismay these children played the sacred game of beirut with water filled in the cups, despite the fact that there was more alcohol at this party than oktoberfest. When BigH asked why they played with water, the response he got was, “Kid everybody plays with water now” Don’t #2 do not make yourself sound bad ass because you play beirut with water (you’re not)…especially if you are still in highschool. By now we were realizing there was no time for saving face, we had to get the hell out of that awful excuse of a party.

Totally sober we waved goodbye, got in my car and took off. Our next adventure took us to an old friend, Andy’s house. He was supposedly throwing a “banger” for new years. We were looking forward to it based on the night’s initial disappoinment. When we arrived, we were astounded by the fact that there was an entirety of 3 cars in the driveway. Walking into the house we saw our friend, several guys, and four butt ugly strippers…one of whom seemed slightly familiar. We walked past the cloud of smoke, and acquainted ourselves with everyone. It was only 9:30 and they were all plastered, and ready for a nice long nap. The familiar looking stripper, however, bashfully hid her face when we arrived at the party. We totally sympathized with her efforts to conceal her identity. Don’t #3 if you are ashamed of your profession…don’t strip in your home town.

We soon realized that this party was going nowhere but down and we were yet to lose our inhibitions for the last time of the year. We consulted with eachother and knew that we had one more option. We would make way for the car, second party and still sober, and go to a former classmates house. She told us that she was throwing a small new years gathering, therefore we weren’t expecting much. 10:oo pm rolled by as we arrived at the party. We entered the house with enough booze for 5 people. DO#1 Always BYOB. Upon arrival, however, we realized the host had a thoroughly stocked bar but. DO #2 always be prepared with plenty of alcohol when you host a party…most people are dumbasses and will not BTOB. As we walked through the confines of the house we were overjoyed at the fact that there were not one but two beirut tables…with beer no less! As we greeted our friends we realized that this last stop on our party tour was going to be memorable.

With the ball dropping in less than two hours we had to make up for lost time. We all began to toss back delicious concoctions of the alcoholic nature. Smiles were everywhere with laughter in the air. As the ball was about to drop it was 11:59 and 30 seconds when an unexpected act of stupidity occured. The gracious host of the party, Kelly, attempted to adjust the volume control on the tv, however, she tampered with the channel buttons and in her intoxication forgot how to reset her satellite tv. We missed our official new year’s indicator! Don’t #4 do not fuck around with the buttons on your tv 30 seconds before the ball drops. After the “ball drop” incident we instituted an alternate new years countdown in which the twenty someodd drunken partygoers participated in. With 2007 upon us the real entertainment was about to begin…

One of the partygoers, Annabelle Georgia Lee (or podunk as she is commonly refered to), was on a mission, a mission to get laid. You could easily pick her out of the crowd by her scantily clothed body and poorly made up face. Her primary intent was to hook up with her ex-boyfriend, Ron. But Ron wanted nothing to do with this desperate nympho. He laughed as she cried. Upon rejection from her ex, she proceeded to first cry, then to evaluate the rest of the potential in the room. I was sitting on a sofa with BigH and Kyle when this bitch just jumped on my lap and started “whispering” how horny she was and that she hadn’t seen any action in months! In this drunken tirade she “discreetly” pointed around the room at all of the males stating whether or not she’d bang them. Don’t #5 Never publically voice when the last time your turkey was stuffed…not only is this unattractive but it will result in ridicule.
We all have our stupid drunk moments, but she crossed the line. She pointed her finger and said, ” Definately wouldn’t hook up with BigH or kyle” who were both a good 6 inches away laughing at her carnal needs. BigH in good humor responded to her rude statements with, ” why because i’m not white” . Podunk promptly responded by saying “yes.” In fact she also revealed that she really didn’t even like him as a person solely because of his ethnic flavor. Don’t #6 Don’t bring racism to the table…the Civil War is over, the British Left India, and the inquisition has long since passed, you will look like an ignorant hick. Normally BigH would have set her straight, but this was the first time I think anyone has ever made a real racist statement against him. He yelled…stopped…confused look…grabbed a bottle and sat in the corner, in a period of obvious existencial angst. We didn’t see or hear from BigH for a few hours till the alcohol took the edge off the shock.

It was now about 1:00 am, and everyone was shitfaced. The party was intense despite the 5:1 male to female ratio. This lead to some interesting debauchery, however. One guy, Porty, got wind that Podunk needed some dick and he was one of her prospect mantoys. At the same time he was challenged to a drinkoff by Grundle. “I will get that bitch to suck my dick.” he said. He would end up passing out and getting shamed with a hotdog. Pictures are below.

It was now almost 2:00 and Podunk was still unstuffed. For some odd reason she figured selling out her friend’s secrets would get her in the sack with stashy, who despite his better judgement had been thwarting her sexual assaults, due to his college relationship. Don’t #7 Don’t tell trashy sluts your most precious secrets…they will tell everyone, especially when drunk.
We don’t want to be rude by helping Podunk hurting this girls feelings, so we wrote a riddle. Try and figure it out.

“Jennifer is horny
Doesn’t that make you want to pleasure her?
Orgasm, “wish there were more of those” she says
When sex is occurring, it should be fun, up and down
She likes it rough and she
Fucks up bitches when she doesn’t get it
Thomas Jefferson owned slaves”
Says the one with no eyebrows
Ron Reagan would never stand for this

3:30 Podunk took stashy upstairs to ’sleep’
3:35 half the party passed out.
3:40 My head was spinning, I lay down to recoop but BigH suddenly appeared. His morale was back, he was drunker than shit, and informed me it was our turn to play jungle juice ruit since the numerous 30’s had long since been depleted.

Now there were only 4 single girls at this party, and about 25 guys. One was the tramp Podunk, one was the host Kelly, then there was Fingers, and Buffy. Podunk was laying naked in bed completely platonicaly with stashy. This left about 20 single guys molesting 2 girls . Dont #8, If you are of the female persuasion and wish to remain out of the statistics for daterape and sexual harassment…stay away from sausage fests, they will only lead to humiliaton for you.
I sat back and laughed while the fools cockblocked each other, and gave my girlfriend a call. But wait, I thought there were still 3 single girls left not 2. Correct you are, however, Buffy is taboo. Some girls think they are hot shit, and while they play beiruit they reveal their cleavage to make the other player miss. It really doesn’t work unless you are smokinghot, but Buffy didn’t seem to realize this. Every time the opposing team shot she’d bend down and let her teats hang low. Dont #9, If by today’s standards you rank anywhere lower than a 6, on the attraction scale, never attempt to use your body to persuade or distract other people…it will only result in laughter at you along with embarassment soon following.
BigH caught wind of this and screamed BUFFALO JOE STOP DOING THATs NOT GOING TO MAKE ANYONE MISS BUFFALO JOE. Now you might think, buffalo joe? WHat a stupid name to call her. You couldn’t be more wrong…picture this. A guy gets the lead role of peter pan for the school play. The whole school is watching on performance day and he was so nervous he shit his undergarments and thus was wearing the tights commando. It’s the scene where and when he learns to fly the harness rips an he is left butt naked in front of all to see. From then on people say “Hey look its little petey” as they walk by. The girls all giggle and no one will sleep with him. Anytime he hears little petey, pete, peterpan, or anything related, it brings back severely traumatic memories. Such is the name Buffalo Joe. The story behind it I will leave to BigH to tell another day.

Playing beiruit with jungle juice gets you fucked up fast and pretty soon I was ready to call it a night. As I lay down on a futon, a fight erupted between Unja and Grundle. This was no ordinary fight and I found myself in the middle of an atomic wedgie battle. As I stood up off of the futon to witness this epic battle I was in sheer amazement! Unja’s boxerbriefs were instantaneously transformed into a thong! Picture Unja being about 6′ 3″ in height…and his undergarments starting at his ass and reaching all the way up to his neck. The sight was quite hilarious. After Unja was soiled by Grundle, he was on the prowl for revenge. As I look back at the clock it is about a quarter past 4. I immediately immerse my self in a blanket on the futon once again. In a trance of half sleep, I was awakened abruptly and startled by an unsettling noise. Unja wrestled Grundle onto the futon only to snap it like a twig while i was attempting to sleep on it. I awakened in an instant just in time to see the two bohemeth’s come flying down on the futon…CRASHHHH (see picture below)

 

Unja settled the score, while at the same time flattening the futon. Don’t #10, If you are a guest at someones house…refrain from demolishing their furniture unless you are prepared to reimburse them. Once again wild laughter rang throughout the basement from those of us who were still awake. It was now 4:30 am and the party was finally beginning to die out. Of all the alcohol that was at the party, only one handle of cheap vodka remained. Five 30’s, 6 bottles, a gallon of jungle juice, and two bloody assholes later, the house’s floors were filled with the bodies of passed out drunkards. The trash can’s remained full with empty cans and puke along with the basement floor coated in mystery liquids. Some of us decided that with no where to sleep it was time to vacate the premises.

It was now 5 am and we made way for departure. As previously instructed I had parked my car at a friends house nearby. As the four of us walked to my car, we reflected on the nights events. It had been quite some time since we enjoyed a full night of exciting shennanigans. As I look back on the night, it progressed into an experience that will remain memorable for many years. The new year was brought in with a bang. Hopefully indicating the potential the rest of the year holds for us. I dropped my partner in crime off at his house first; we both laughed and smiled at the fact that I had picked him up 9 and a half hours ago. Perhaps some of the most memorable 9 and a half hours we’ll ever share. Do #3 , Spontanaeity and variety are the key to enjoying life. Ensure that you place yourself in a comfortable atmosphere with those you love and you are guaranteed to have unforgettable experiences for many years to come.

Names may or may not have been changed to protect the innocent.

-Billy