Isn’t It Ironic?…Police Procedure Gone Horribly Wrong

After completing my first semester at college I am proud to report that I’ve learned a great deal inside the classroom and perhaps just as much outside of it. The knowledge you gain in college reaches far beyond the textbooks and lectures. You learn how to cheat the system and about the ills of society. There is a lot of foul shit out there and surprisingly, it’s only taken me 6 months to discover some of it.

At a young age I began to learn about alcohol, it’s effects, and the laws that the United States of America has regarding the liquid substance. If there’s one thing that is taught through repetition in school, it’s alcohol and drug awareness. The single most phrase I’ve heard in my life isn’t “I love you” or even “thankyou”, it is “don’t drink and drive”. That mixture is synonymous with death. I have heard this from my parents, my teachers, my local law enforcement, my elders, and even my peers. It’s just something you don’t do. I’m not an idiot; not only do I want to save myself from getting a DWI, but I’d also like to live to see another day or perhaps even live life without the guilt of killing another human being. These are my main motivations for not drinking and driving. Sure, I drink,in fact what college student doesn’t, however drinking and driving was not on my list of talents…until I went to college.

Okay, so right about now you’d probably call me a hypocritical son of a bitch for admitting to drinking and driving…you’re absolutely justified in saying so, but hear me out…just hear me out. College is all about the parties. I’ve attended my fair share of them. Each time my buddies and I would head out for a night of wild inebriation we wouldn’t plan on driving afterward, however on occasion a recurring theme would fuel my obligation to get behind the wheel. What I’m refferring too is when a party is broken up by the cops.

There is nothing I like more than to meet down to earth cops who aren’t walking pricks. Comparing encounters with local law enforcement prior to college and while at college the results are totally different. Most of the cops surrounding my college relate to the students. They sympathize with the college student. They were that college student a few decades ago, they’ve been through what we’re going through. College police officers are rarely out to screw you over for drinking or partying violations, at least in my experiences so far. Here in lies the problem…the way in which they handle these situations are severely dangerous…and frankly it’s stupid.

On several occasions I have attended parties that were broken up by the cops. The cops are quite leinient. Leinient in the sense that they don’t arrest anyone. Each time the cops would bust the party they would follow the same procedure…tell everyone to pack up and get home. This is where I run into a problem…the cop’s are sending carloads upon carloads of intoxicated kids onto the roads. Fifteen to Twenty Car loads, sometimes, are told to go drive home. On one hand the cops spare you an arrest and a citation, on the other, they’re condoning drinking and driving, and in fact causing it to happen. It’s something that just doesn’t make sense to me. Who’d of ever thought that the police would advocate drinking and driving? While I fully understand that the cops are not literally placing us behind the wheel…I continually find myself contemplating this…isn’t it ironic?

-Billy

Sluts

All females have an inner slut. Some are scared of it, lock it away, hide from it, and never shave their cooch. Some let it loose but are to weak and let it consume them, like venom from spider man, or the dark side of the force. Then there are the all revered sex jedis, who harness the power of the slut and make it their bitch. It is easy to fall into the dark side, and it is even easier for a guy to fall into the hypnosis of a mesmerizing sith slut who has betrayed the force. The following is a tale of how I was tempted by the dark side, and inevitably had to pretend my ‘lightsaber’ was broken in order to attain salvation and return balance to the force.

During my frivolous highschool experiences, there was this girl that was a complete loser and somewhat chunky. No one knew who she was. One day randomly, she lost a bunch of weight and her inner radiance shone.I remember at one school dance before the breakthrough she had come up to me and started busting some boogie near me, and I think I rejected her and walked away. Anyway the next year, after a football game as I was driving home, some girl in the back of a jeep started pointing and laughing at my POS car. The first thing that came to my mind was…who the fuck is that? Does she go to our school? Then an hour later when I got home I found that I had a message on myspace (Another day I can talk about the losers who feel the need to validate themselves through myspace) from this girl saying “HAHA i cant believe you drive a [Blank] you’re BigH, I pretty much orgasmed when you gave that speech to the school”. I thought to myself “WHAT? I’m ‘friends’ with this girl on myspace? How the fuck did that happen”. Well anyway eventually I found out who this girl was and started talking to her a bit, and she seemed fun, down to earth, not a slut, not artificial or made up, similar interests, etc.

We hung out a bit, she said she was a hardcore prude and I figured she kinda dug me and I kinda dug her and I was probably the first person to make her feel good about her self since she just came out of the jabba the hut phase of life. So the slut that she had hid from and locked away was slowly released, however she let it take control, totally took me for granted, banged porty, started having sex with random people in order to be cool and have friends and totally lost who she originally was. It was sad, pathetic, I wanted nothing to do with her. Later in the year she pretended to have cleaned up her act and apologized for taking me for granted and fucking random people and realized that instead of people not knowing who she was everyone just made fun of her for being a custy.

So I gave her another chance, we started seeing each other somewhat, but the slut took over again. Mind games, mind fuck, mind diaerah…damn ive never had my head fucked with so much. It was like a challenge trying to make something work. Sometimes things would be so great then more random sluttyness so I told her its either me, or your dirty puss. We went to a movie and then tried to bang me in the theatre, then after the movie poured her heart out apologized again etc etc. Now we never banged because things were so weirdly confusing. In fact one time she was begging me to do her despite her whole family was home but she was drunk. Innocent little me at this time, believing in the power of love, romance, giving her the benefit of the doubt in all situations. I was the definition of the ‘nice guy that finishes last’.

Anyway the new twist was that she liked me so much she didn’t want a relationship to ruin our friendship, but at the same time she wanted me bad and just couldn’t decide. It was the most dumbass thing ever. One day we were hooking up in her room and then she’d randomly interupt and be like well maybe no I don’t want to ruin anything, then shed take her clothes off and decided it was time for us to stop being stupid and just make love becuase we liked each other. Then randomly “no maybe its a bad idea” while taking more clothes off still. Then no fuck me BigH do me do me. We make our way into her room and she pulls out two condoms from a totally empty box of like 30. Now she had made it seem like she had changed her ways and was just seeing me, but it was apparent to me, although I didn’t vocalize my realization, that she was just playing me, and just wanted her turkey stuffed.

It was like the ending of Return of the Jedi. Emperor Palpatine totally has Luke Mindfucked. He thinks his friends are all going to die, his dad is totally under the spell of the dark force, and he continually taunts Luke playing sinister mind games. This is what my situation was like. The dark side of the force was like ‘just fuck her BigH’ shes a dirty slut and deserves another shallow one night stand, just hope you don’t get an STD. The light side said no bigH you like her, this could ruin your friendship with her as well as any relationship or special bond you share. Obviously the Luke Skywalker inside me won, but here we were naked ready to bang, my lightsaber extending. Emperor Palpatine kept chiding luke to whip out his lightsaber and kill him, and she was doing the same thing to me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I jumped out of the bed and said:

Me: Its not working
Her[visibly upset]: What do you mean its not working
Me: I dont know its not getting hard. Maybe I have to pee. Yeah thats it. I drank a lot of water today.

I Figred that if I went to piss I could buy some time to think and sort out the inner battle and maybe just bang her after all.

Her: Ugh fine. Go urinate.

So I randownstairs and into the bathroom and locked the door, now hard as a rock. I looked down and it and was like, fuck it I’ll just go back and bang her. Then I thought about the empty Box. There was an open window I thought about just leaving through there and driving home but, all my stuff was in her room. I tried thinking about baseball, cars, garbage, sewage, anything…but it wasnt working. Fuck I thought. I’ll just rub one off then go back up. I won’t be able to get a hardon for 5 minutes cause of the refractory period, and will tell her sorry and just go. I perch myself on the sink so that I can aim into the toilet. There was no tissue or anything around. Then I hear something at the door. OH SHIT IS IT HER MOM?!? WHAT IF SHE SEES A RANDOM PERSON BEATING OFF HER IN BATHROOM?? I hid in the shower. To my relief it was just a dog scratching at the door.

I did my business, went upstairs, ‘failed’ at performing again. She was quite upset, and probably thought she was fat/ugly when naked and thats why it didn’t turn me on. As it turned out the next day she fucked someone else, despite reassuring me we’d try again soon and not to feel bad becuase the second person who she sexually molested in her slut rampage had the same problem. I laughed on the inside because I knew who that guy was. So unlike Anakin, there was no good left in her. I am glad I freed myself from her dark clutches, remained STD free, restored balance to the force, and learned some very valuable life lessons.

-BigH