Sluts

All females have an inner slut. Some are scared of it, lock it away, hide from it, and never shave their cooch. Some let it loose but are to weak and let it consume them, like venom from spider man, or the dark side of the force. Then there are the all revered sex jedis, who harness the power of the slut and make it their bitch. It is easy to fall into the dark side, and it is even easier for a guy to fall into the hypnosis of a mesmerizing sith slut who has betrayed the force. The following is a tale of how I was tempted by the dark side, and inevitably had to pretend my ‘lightsaber’ was broken in order to attain salvation and return balance to the force.

During my frivolous highschool experiences, there was this girl that was a complete loser and somewhat chunky. No one knew who she was. One day randomly, she lost a bunch of weight and her inner radiance shone.I remember at one school dance before the breakthrough she had come up to me and started busting some boogie near me, and I think I rejected her and walked away. Anyway the next year, after a football game as I was driving home, some girl in the back of a jeep started pointing and laughing at my POS car. The first thing that came to my mind was…who the fuck is that? Does she go to our school? Then an hour later when I got home I found that I had a message on myspace (Another day I can talk about the losers who feel the need to validate themselves through myspace) from this girl saying “HAHA i cant believe you drive a [Blank] you’re BigH, I pretty much orgasmed when you gave that speech to the school”. I thought to myself “WHAT? I’m ‘friends’ with this girl on myspace? How the fuck did that happen”. Well anyway eventually I found out who this girl was and started talking to her a bit, and she seemed fun, down to earth, not a slut, not artificial or made up, similar interests, etc.

We hung out a bit, she said she was a hardcore prude and I figured she kinda dug me and I kinda dug her and I was probably the first person to make her feel good about her self since she just came out of the jabba the hut phase of life. So the slut that she had hid from and locked away was slowly released, however she let it take control, totally took me for granted, banged porty, started having sex with random people in order to be cool and have friends and totally lost who she originally was. It was sad, pathetic, I wanted nothing to do with her. Later in the year she pretended to have cleaned up her act and apologized for taking me for granted and fucking random people and realized that instead of people not knowing who she was everyone just made fun of her for being a custy.

So I gave her another chance, we started seeing each other somewhat, but the slut took over again. Mind games, mind fuck, mind diaerah…damn ive never had my head fucked with so much. It was like a challenge trying to make something work. Sometimes things would be so great then more random sluttyness so I told her its either me, or your dirty puss. We went to a movie and then tried to bang me in the theatre, then after the movie poured her heart out apologized again etc etc. Now we never banged because things were so weirdly confusing. In fact one time she was begging me to do her despite her whole family was home but she was drunk. Innocent little me at this time, believing in the power of love, romance, giving her the benefit of the doubt in all situations. I was the definition of the ‘nice guy that finishes last’.

Anyway the new twist was that she liked me so much she didn’t want a relationship to ruin our friendship, but at the same time she wanted me bad and just couldn’t decide. It was the most dumbass thing ever. One day we were hooking up in her room and then she’d randomly interupt and be like well maybe no I don’t want to ruin anything, then shed take her clothes off and decided it was time for us to stop being stupid and just make love becuase we liked each other. Then randomly “no maybe its a bad idea” while taking more clothes off still. Then no fuck me BigH do me do me. We make our way into her room and she pulls out two condoms from a totally empty box of like 30. Now she had made it seem like she had changed her ways and was just seeing me, but it was apparent to me, although I didn’t vocalize my realization, that she was just playing me, and just wanted her turkey stuffed.

It was like the ending of Return of the Jedi. Emperor Palpatine totally has Luke Mindfucked. He thinks his friends are all going to die, his dad is totally under the spell of the dark force, and he continually taunts Luke playing sinister mind games. This is what my situation was like. The dark side of the force was like ‘just fuck her BigH’ shes a dirty slut and deserves another shallow one night stand, just hope you don’t get an STD. The light side said no bigH you like her, this could ruin your friendship with her as well as any relationship or special bond you share. Obviously the Luke Skywalker inside me won, but here we were naked ready to bang, my lightsaber extending. Emperor Palpatine kept chiding luke to whip out his lightsaber and kill him, and she was doing the same thing to me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I jumped out of the bed and said:

Me: Its not working
Her[visibly upset]: What do you mean its not working
Me: I dont know its not getting hard. Maybe I have to pee. Yeah thats it. I drank a lot of water today.

I Figred that if I went to piss I could buy some time to think and sort out the inner battle and maybe just bang her after all.

Her: Ugh fine. Go urinate.

So I randownstairs and into the bathroom and locked the door, now hard as a rock. I looked down and it and was like, fuck it I’ll just go back and bang her. Then I thought about the empty Box. There was an open window I thought about just leaving through there and driving home but, all my stuff was in her room. I tried thinking about baseball, cars, garbage, sewage, anything…but it wasnt working. Fuck I thought. I’ll just rub one off then go back up. I won’t be able to get a hardon for 5 minutes cause of the refractory period, and will tell her sorry and just go. I perch myself on the sink so that I can aim into the toilet. There was no tissue or anything around. Then I hear something at the door. OH SHIT IS IT HER MOM?!? WHAT IF SHE SEES A RANDOM PERSON BEATING OFF HER IN BATHROOM?? I hid in the shower. To my relief it was just a dog scratching at the door.

I did my business, went upstairs, ‘failed’ at performing again. She was quite upset, and probably thought she was fat/ugly when naked and thats why it didn’t turn me on. As it turned out the next day she fucked someone else, despite reassuring me we’d try again soon and not to feel bad becuase the second person who she sexually molested in her slut rampage had the same problem. I laughed on the inside because I knew who that guy was. So unlike Anakin, there was no good left in her. I am glad I freed myself from her dark clutches, remained STD free, restored balance to the force, and learned some very valuable life lessons.

-BigH

New Years 101…The Do’s and Dont’s

2006 was a spectacular year but as with all good times, they can’t last forever. With one year’s end, comes the beginning of an even more fulfilling year. The expectations of the new year are often determined by how entertaining new year’s eve is. In this case… it was quite entertaining. 2007 will be a good year. With each new experience we learn valuable lessons, new years eve was no exception. In retrospect, we’ve compiled a list of do’s and dont’s for new years partygoers everywhere.

The night began like any other, with several locations awaiting guests for wild inebriation. My buddy BigH and I always attempt to weigh the various options for the night before sacrificing our sobriety to any given party. As we approached our first location we were urged to park our vehicle in the backyard…sketchy? Something didn’t feel right as we noticed that despite being the only ones parked in the yard, there were tire tracks everywhere. Our crunkometer started dropping. As we approached the basement and looked through the glass door, we suddenly stopped and just stood there for a good five minutes trying to make sense of things. In addition to the host and a few of his friends there were about double that number of kids ripping a bong on the sofa. A group of children…yes children, whom we should have been babysitting, not partying with. This was fucking weird. We came back to reality when warm air from the opened door beckoned us out of the cold. Our expectations were low, and we didn’t even know why we were here. We recieved an invite to this party from my girlfriend’s friend HoHo, who inturn was not even invited herself! Had we known this, we would’ve never placed ourselves in such an awkward situation. Dont #1, do not crash a highschool party,when you are in college…standards have lowered considerably since you’ve graduated.
We went inside…stood around for a bit. I hung out with my girl while BigH got harassed by her ugly friends. To loosen up and pass the time we thought, ” why not play a game of beirut” to our shock and dismay these children played the sacred game of beirut with water filled in the cups, despite the fact that there was more alcohol at this party than oktoberfest. When BigH asked why they played with water, the response he got was, “Kid everybody plays with water now” Don’t #2 do not make yourself sound bad ass because you play beirut with water (you’re not)…especially if you are still in highschool. By now we were realizing there was no time for saving face, we had to get the hell out of that awful excuse of a party.

Totally sober we waved goodbye, got in my car and took off. Our next adventure took us to an old friend, Andy’s house. He was supposedly throwing a “banger” for new years. We were looking forward to it based on the night’s initial disappoinment. When we arrived, we were astounded by the fact that there was an entirety of 3 cars in the driveway. Walking into the house we saw our friend, several guys, and four butt ugly strippers…one of whom seemed slightly familiar. We walked past the cloud of smoke, and acquainted ourselves with everyone. It was only 9:30 and they were all plastered, and ready for a nice long nap. The familiar looking stripper, however, bashfully hid her face when we arrived at the party. We totally sympathized with her efforts to conceal her identity. Don’t #3 if you are ashamed of your profession…don’t strip in your home town.

We soon realized that this party was going nowhere but down and we were yet to lose our inhibitions for the last time of the year. We consulted with eachother and knew that we had one more option. We would make way for the car, second party and still sober, and go to a former classmates house. She told us that she was throwing a small new years gathering, therefore we weren’t expecting much. 10:oo pm rolled by as we arrived at the party. We entered the house with enough booze for 5 people. DO#1 Always BYOB. Upon arrival, however, we realized the host had a thoroughly stocked bar but. DO #2 always be prepared with plenty of alcohol when you host a party…most people are dumbasses and will not BTOB. As we walked through the confines of the house we were overjoyed at the fact that there were not one but two beirut tables…with beer no less! As we greeted our friends we realized that this last stop on our party tour was going to be memorable.

With the ball dropping in less than two hours we had to make up for lost time. We all began to toss back delicious concoctions of the alcoholic nature. Smiles were everywhere with laughter in the air. As the ball was about to drop it was 11:59 and 30 seconds when an unexpected act of stupidity occured. The gracious host of the party, Kelly, attempted to adjust the volume control on the tv, however, she tampered with the channel buttons and in her intoxication forgot how to reset her satellite tv. We missed our official new year’s indicator! Don’t #4 do not fuck around with the buttons on your tv 30 seconds before the ball drops. After the “ball drop” incident we instituted an alternate new years countdown in which the twenty someodd drunken partygoers participated in. With 2007 upon us the real entertainment was about to begin…

One of the partygoers, Annabelle Georgia Lee (or podunk as she is commonly refered to), was on a mission, a mission to get laid. You could easily pick her out of the crowd by her scantily clothed body and poorly made up face. Her primary intent was to hook up with her ex-boyfriend, Ron. But Ron wanted nothing to do with this desperate nympho. He laughed as she cried. Upon rejection from her ex, she proceeded to first cry, then to evaluate the rest of the potential in the room. I was sitting on a sofa with BigH and Kyle when this bitch just jumped on my lap and started “whispering” how horny she was and that she hadn’t seen any action in months! In this drunken tirade she “discreetly” pointed around the room at all of the males stating whether or not she’d bang them. Don’t #5 Never publically voice when the last time your turkey was stuffed…not only is this unattractive but it will result in ridicule.
We all have our stupid drunk moments, but she crossed the line. She pointed her finger and said, ” Definately wouldn’t hook up with BigH or kyle” who were both a good 6 inches away laughing at her carnal needs. BigH in good humor responded to her rude statements with, ” why because i’m not white” . Podunk promptly responded by saying “yes.” In fact she also revealed that she really didn’t even like him as a person solely because of his ethnic flavor. Don’t #6 Don’t bring racism to the table…the Civil War is over, the British Left India, and the inquisition has long since passed, you will look like an ignorant hick. Normally BigH would have set her straight, but this was the first time I think anyone has ever made a real racist statement against him. He yelled…stopped…confused look…grabbed a bottle and sat in the corner, in a period of obvious existencial angst. We didn’t see or hear from BigH for a few hours till the alcohol took the edge off the shock.

It was now about 1:00 am, and everyone was shitfaced. The party was intense despite the 5:1 male to female ratio. This lead to some interesting debauchery, however. One guy, Porty, got wind that Podunk needed some dick and he was one of her prospect mantoys. At the same time he was challenged to a drinkoff by Grundle. “I will get that bitch to suck my dick.” he said. He would end up passing out and getting shamed with a hotdog. Pictures are below.

It was now almost 2:00 and Podunk was still unstuffed. For some odd reason she figured selling out her friend’s secrets would get her in the sack with stashy, who despite his better judgement had been thwarting her sexual assaults, due to his college relationship. Don’t #7 Don’t tell trashy sluts your most precious secrets…they will tell everyone, especially when drunk.
We don’t want to be rude by helping Podunk hurting this girls feelings, so we wrote a riddle. Try and figure it out.

“Jennifer is horny
Doesn’t that make you want to pleasure her?
Orgasm, “wish there were more of those” she says
When sex is occurring, it should be fun, up and down
She likes it rough and she
Fucks up bitches when she doesn’t get it
Thomas Jefferson owned slaves”
Says the one with no eyebrows
Ron Reagan would never stand for this

3:30 Podunk took stashy upstairs to ’sleep’
3:35 half the party passed out.
3:40 My head was spinning, I lay down to recoop but BigH suddenly appeared. His morale was back, he was drunker than shit, and informed me it was our turn to play jungle juice ruit since the numerous 30’s had long since been depleted.

Now there were only 4 single girls at this party, and about 25 guys. One was the tramp Podunk, one was the host Kelly, then there was Fingers, and Buffy. Podunk was laying naked in bed completely platonicaly with stashy. This left about 20 single guys molesting 2 girls . Dont #8, If you are of the female persuasion and wish to remain out of the statistics for daterape and sexual harassment…stay away from sausage fests, they will only lead to humiliaton for you.
I sat back and laughed while the fools cockblocked each other, and gave my girlfriend a call. But wait, I thought there were still 3 single girls left not 2. Correct you are, however, Buffy is taboo. Some girls think they are hot shit, and while they play beiruit they reveal their cleavage to make the other player miss. It really doesn’t work unless you are smokinghot, but Buffy didn’t seem to realize this. Every time the opposing team shot she’d bend down and let her teats hang low. Dont #9, If by today’s standards you rank anywhere lower than a 6, on the attraction scale, never attempt to use your body to persuade or distract other people…it will only result in laughter at you along with embarassment soon following.
BigH caught wind of this and screamed BUFFALO JOE STOP DOING THATs NOT GOING TO MAKE ANYONE MISS BUFFALO JOE. Now you might think, buffalo joe? WHat a stupid name to call her. You couldn’t be more wrong…picture this. A guy gets the lead role of peter pan for the school play. The whole school is watching on performance day and he was so nervous he shit his undergarments and thus was wearing the tights commando. It’s the scene where and when he learns to fly the harness rips an he is left butt naked in front of all to see. From then on people say “Hey look its little petey” as they walk by. The girls all giggle and no one will sleep with him. Anytime he hears little petey, pete, peterpan, or anything related, it brings back severely traumatic memories. Such is the name Buffalo Joe. The story behind it I will leave to BigH to tell another day.

Playing beiruit with jungle juice gets you fucked up fast and pretty soon I was ready to call it a night. As I lay down on a futon, a fight erupted between Unja and Grundle. This was no ordinary fight and I found myself in the middle of an atomic wedgie battle. As I stood up off of the futon to witness this epic battle I was in sheer amazement! Unja’s boxerbriefs were instantaneously transformed into a thong! Picture Unja being about 6′ 3″ in height…and his undergarments starting at his ass and reaching all the way up to his neck. The sight was quite hilarious. After Unja was soiled by Grundle, he was on the prowl for revenge. As I look back at the clock it is about a quarter past 4. I immediately immerse my self in a blanket on the futon once again. In a trance of half sleep, I was awakened abruptly and startled by an unsettling noise. Unja wrestled Grundle onto the futon only to snap it like a twig while i was attempting to sleep on it. I awakened in an instant just in time to see the two bohemeth’s come flying down on the futon…CRASHHHH (see picture below)

 

Unja settled the score, while at the same time flattening the futon. Don’t #10, If you are a guest at someones house…refrain from demolishing their furniture unless you are prepared to reimburse them. Once again wild laughter rang throughout the basement from those of us who were still awake. It was now 4:30 am and the party was finally beginning to die out. Of all the alcohol that was at the party, only one handle of cheap vodka remained. Five 30’s, 6 bottles, a gallon of jungle juice, and two bloody assholes later, the house’s floors were filled with the bodies of passed out drunkards. The trash can’s remained full with empty cans and puke along with the basement floor coated in mystery liquids. Some of us decided that with no where to sleep it was time to vacate the premises.

It was now 5 am and we made way for departure. As previously instructed I had parked my car at a friends house nearby. As the four of us walked to my car, we reflected on the nights events. It had been quite some time since we enjoyed a full night of exciting shennanigans. As I look back on the night, it progressed into an experience that will remain memorable for many years. The new year was brought in with a bang. Hopefully indicating the potential the rest of the year holds for us. I dropped my partner in crime off at his house first; we both laughed and smiled at the fact that I had picked him up 9 and a half hours ago. Perhaps some of the most memorable 9 and a half hours we’ll ever share. Do #3 , Spontanaeity and variety are the key to enjoying life. Ensure that you place yourself in a comfortable atmosphere with those you love and you are guaranteed to have unforgettable experiences for many years to come.

Names may or may not have been changed to protect the innocent.

-Billy